A Simple Guide to Choosing The Right People: Top Three Green Flags
Part one of a two part guide that I've honed over 10,000+ interactions.
Tired of choosing the wrong people to spend time with?
Many of us are.
It’s hard to recognize the right people, but it is absolutely critical that you do.
Welcome to my two-part series on finding the right humans to spend time with!
I’ve built this guide from 10,000+ interactions with different people from more than 100 countries.
In my decade of traveling on and off and in the myriad of people-facing jobs I’ve had in the workforce, I’ve interacted with people from every walk of life.
You know what I’ve found? There are good and bad people everywhere.
In the hours that I’ve spent reflecting on this, I’ve realized that good people share a few key things in common. After listing out everything I could think of that I love about my favorite people, I looked for commonalities.
These three kept coming up.
If someone you meet exhibits these three traits, it’s time to go full steam ahead! They’re a good one. Keep them around.
Green Flags
They Laugh Openly
This one took me a long time to understand, but when I saw it, I realized that there are very few open laughers.
So many people laugh with reservations. They giggle a bit. They guffaw. They chuckle and look around to see who else is laughing before they really let out their truest laugh.
The best people I’ve ever met, the ones that I felt I would die for? They laugh without apology. They laugh without reservation.
This is the opposite of telling you, “I don’t care what people think.” This is a secret weapon for finding the people who live out that creed instead of needing to tell people.
When they think something is funny, they broadcast it to the world.
This is a great way to find out someone’s level of self-confidence. Watch the way they laugh.
Can they hardly control themselves when something is funny? Is their body language open as they lean back, throwing themselves at the mercy of the laughter spasms?
Those are the people you want in your corner.
They don't need you to believe their beliefs
If someone needs you to believe what they believe, they're internally yelling, "Validate my choices! Justify the way I’ve spent my finite time and energy!"
This shouldn't be your responsibility.
After 10,000+ interactions with people from more than 100 countries, let me tell you, people believe the craziest things imaginable.
What you believe isn’t that important. I’ll say that again in bold:
What you believe isn’t that important.
It’s the how that’s important. How do those beliefs cause you to act toward those around you?
I don’t care if you believe that you’re the second coming of JC himself. Does the fact that you believe you’re Jesus cause you to treat people well? Then go on believing whatever the hell you want.
But don’t expect me to validate you.
Meeting someone who doesn't need you to believe their beliefs is a massive relief. You can breathe easily, knowing they won’t spend hours trying to convince you of nonsense.
You may have spirited debates, but instead of being angry, they’ll be open to hearing why you believe what you believe and celebrate the differences between you.
They’ll have room in their heads for nuance.
They ask deep questions (and listen without judgment)
In a conversation, it’s so easy to ask questions, nod while the other person says words (but really be thinking about what you want to say instead of what they’re saying), then blurt out something only kind of related to what they said when it’s your turn to talk.
As someone with ADHD tendencies, I’m more guilty of this than I’d like to admit.
It’s easy to focus when someone you want something from is talking. People selling something or wanting to date you, for example, will likely be laser-focused on what you have to say.
They’re expecting an outcome from your interactions, and when that outcome is met, they’ll get a reward in the form of dopamine or serotonin.
There’s nothing wrong with this, per se. Most human relationships and interactions are conditional to some degree.
Because of this, it’s especially refreshing when you meet people who just listen to you because you’re different from them, and they want to know what life is like outside of their own narrow, limited human experience.
‘What is it like to not be me?’
This question pushed me to travel to thirty countries and talk to people from hundreds of different cultures:
There are millions of cultures and microcultures in the world. Each is made up of people speaking different languages, with different levels of neurotypical-ness, eating different foods, and living entirely different realities.
Isn’t that fascinating? I get chills just typing it.
If you’re not too busy trying to convince people from different walks of life that your worldview is correct, you’re going to learn a ton from them.
If the people in your life aren’t busy trying to convince you of things, they’re going to learn a ton from you!
Learning to filter people is lonely in the beginning. But as you build more and more quality relationships, the effects compound.
I think the self-improvement movement skews a bit too far to the solo side of things. Human beings came of age as social creatures, and it is imperative that we have solid relationships.
Nice, thought-provoking article. My caveat to the first point: I have a friend whose laughter only seems to be spontaneously generated at the misfortune or minor injury/insult of others, which I find a bit unsettling.