The big idea:
Attachment styles aren't fixed labels for individuals. They're dynamic patterns that shift in response to relationship dynamics. They only exist in relation to other people.
YOU are not anxious or avoidant. You have behaved anxiousLY or avoidantLY in the past in relationships based on the dynamic between you and whoever you were with.
Secure attachment is also not who you are. It's a goal to be co-created with someone.
Go Deeper:
Ok, ok, so that was an inflammatory title. I don't think attachment theory is stupid, but I do think that the way most people discuss it (and the associated labels) is moronic.
In the West, we often struggle to think of labels beyond individual identities. But that's what attachment styles are. They exist only in relation to other people.
Attachment styles are not a set-in-stone identity. They're fluid, and can evolve based on relationship dynamics.
But because we LOVE categorizing ourselves to the nth degree in our solo quests to collect as many labels as possible to prove that we're unique, we talk about them as if they're an unchangeable part of who we are.
If you're thinking, "What the hell is he talking about?" Here's a quick explainer:
Back in 2010, Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller wrote a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--And Keep--Love.
They outlined several ways people behave in relationships and called them "attachment styles."
And people lost their sweet minds.
Here's a short guide:
Attachment Styles in a Nutshell:
Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and autonomy.
Anxious: Craves closeness, fears abandonment.
Avoidant: Values independence, avoids emotional closeness.
Fearful-Avoidant: Wants connection but fears getting hurt.
Now, there's nothing wrong with this theory. It's a handy framework for understanding how we interact with each other in relationships.
The problem is in the implementation. People just cannot be chill about attachment styles.
I'm partnered now, but when I was still dating, one of the most common questions I got on dating apps and first dates was, "What is your attachment style?"
And these people expected me to answer either:
anxious
avoidant
secure
Like I just am one of those, and am doomed to be that forever.
NO. WRONG.
"What is your attachment style?" is a dumb question. There's no room for nuance. The listener is expected to identify themselves as one of those three things, as if they exist in a vacuum outside of the influence of other people.
The right question is, "Which of the attachment styles have you shown in your past relationships, and what brought that out?"
Now, that question requires nuance and thinking beyond labels, which Americans, in particular, are terrible at. But I promise you it will lead to a better answer.
Why this is a better way of thinking:
Secure attachment is a goal that people in relationships seek to co-create. It's not a piece of an individual identity.
We might exhibit anxious behaviors in one relationship and avoidant behaviors in another, depending on the dynamics.
Research shows that positive relationship experiences can lead to shifts toward more secure attachment. Positive interactions in a relationship can decrease attachment avoidance over time.
What a freeing idea, right? Through mutual responsiveness and emotional attunement, partners can foster a sense of safety and trust. This process, known as co-regulation, involves partners helping each other manage emotions and stress, leading to a more secure bond.
Applying This Idea:
Stop thinking of yourself as someone with an anxious/avoidant attachment style. It doesn't serve you.
Analyze your past attachment behaviors and how they manifested in different relationships. Then, discuss your attachment needs and fears with potential new partners.
If you meet someone who also understands this nuance and wants to co-create a secure relationship, congratulations! You have a chance.
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